We're getting down to the wire now.

I don't know if I will have a place to live in a few days.  I can't even sleep anymore.  I'm so terrified.  All I have been able to do is sit around and worry and cry.  I'm plagued with constant visions of my little family and our cats all living outside in our van.  Putting my son to sleep at night in his carseat, trying desperately to keep him warm.  Perhaps walking around Wal-Mart all night to escape the cold outside and trying to convince my son to sleep in the shopping cart even though he'd hate it, and hanging out in the mall all day long while Eric is at work.  I literally wouldn't be able to sleep ever because my every moment would be spent trying to keep my son warm, comfortable, and fed.  And even when my son was asleep, I'd be terrified to let him out of my sight.  Little Owen needs for me to sleep and stay healthy so he can be healthy, but what other option would I have?  That's a nightmare no mother should ever have to envision, let alone actually live through.  I think I could handle all this better if I didn't have children and pets to worry about.  *Don't worry, if we do end up on the streets, we will make darn sure that we find a nice warm place for our son to sleep at night.  Even if it means dropping him off at a friend or family member's house, putting him to sleep in his pack and play in their living room, and then leaving the house and sleeping in the van.*

The worst part is not having anyone to talk to about it.  The people who should care and be supportive are the people I'm not even bothering to tell.  Based on past experience, I know for a fact that they'd just lecture me and say I deserve to go through this.  They'd say I brought it on myself because I'm not working and because I choose to be married to someone who has struggled with unemployment.  Then they'd tell me we're unfit parents and don't deserve our son.  I don't think I could handle one single lecture right now so I'm simply avoiding those people.  Even worse, after the initial lectures and judgments, they'd grudgingly offer to let me and Ricky stay with them, at the expense of unlimited lectures of course.  But Eric wouldn't be welcome.  Well no, thank you, this family is not separating under any circumstances.  Anyone among my "family" or friends who treats Eric like an outcast and disrespects him will receive no respect from me.  I'm not saying I'm going to treat those people badly, I'm too polite to treat others that way, but I just won't feel respect for them any longer.  He and I are a package deal and will remain that way.

Thank God I have such a fantastic hubby to help me through everything.  He keeps me going somehow.  He reassures me that we'll be okay, he tells me how strong I'm being when I feel like I'm being weak, and despite the stress he must also be going through he always puts on a happy face for me.  He takes time out of each day to spoil me, even if it means he stays up late to make me a snack or boil water to give me a warm bath.  If I didn't have him, I'd probably crawl into a hole and hide there forever.  How could anyone ever question my choice in marrying him?  I know times are tough right now but can any person honestly say that they'd end such a great marriage with such an exceptional person in order to pursue a richer lifestyle?  It makes me sick that anyone has the audacity to disapprove of my husband because of our financial difficulties.  Well, newsflash:  We disapprove of those people too!  We disapprove of the fact that they judge others based on income and value money more than family.  At least our reasons for disapproving actually make sense.

We won't be poor forever.  We'll eventually pull through this and live a happy, comfortable lifestyle that everyone will finally "approve" of.  And we will deserve it because we stuck together as a team and a family through the worst of times just like family is supposed to.  For richer or poorer.  We value our vows and our marriage, but even if we weren't married and hadn't said those vows to each other, we'd be doing everything exactly the same.  Eric and I were a family from the moment we met each other and have been living that way ever since.  I'm not saying that I don't love my parents and the rest of my family.  No matter how much they may sometimes drive me crazy, I will always love them to death.  But it is a beautiful thing when you grow up and get to choose a spouse to become and create a family with.  Your spouse is the only family member you get to choose, and I know I made the right decision when I chose Eric!  Anyone who disagrees with that decision can't possibly know him well enough to make a valid judgment.