The stress right now is overwhelming. I can't sleep, I'm getting a headache, my SAHM duties start in a few short hours when my hubby leaves for work, and I'd rather sleep. Or go into a coma, or get sick and go to the hospital, or anything. This isn't one of those "I would rather sleep than wake up with my son today" days- that's pretty much every day. This is one of those "I can't handle the strain of being a mommy today" days because everything else around me is so scary and confusing that I myself need a mommy. This is why grown-ups always tell kids not to grow up. Because when kids grow up they end up in situations like this one, and no one is there to fix it for them. I guess I sort of miss being a kid. But not a teenager- I don't think I miss a single second of that.
I hate talking in detail about personal and financial problems on my blog, in case someone reads it who I don't want to share these things with. But I don't really have many people to talk to and I'm starting to lose my mind. The "rock bottom" I referred to in the last post is looming closer and closer in my future every minute, although I didn't describe quite what the rock bottom would entail. I'm praying desperately that something happens, and that we miraculously manage to find several thousand dollars within the next few days. It's a long shot, but we need that much (and fast!) to stay in our home. If we don't get that money, we're not sure what we're going to do.
Of course we knew that we were behind on rent, REALLY behind, but we expected to have a few months to prepare when the time came to move on to a new home and start over. A week ago we hadn't even received an eviction notice or anything, so we thought we'd have a little bit of time to get things straightened out. But we only have a few days and we never expected that this would happen so suddenly and with hardly any notice. Hubby is working, but it's too little too late. He's making a little money, and he'll be making more when he gets his promotion, but that doesn't help us today. We don't magically have thousands of dollars right now, when we need it.
Like I said in my last post, I doubt I'll die. I doubt anything truly horrific will happen to me if we don't get that money, but there will be very huge and quick changes happening in my life and my head is spinning at just the thought of it. I'm not sure where I'll be living next week, next month, or next year. I'm not sure where my precious son will lay his little head when he sleeps, but I do promise everyone out there that no harm will come to him. We have too many friends and family members who love us and him for true homelessness to be an actual possibility for our future. I worry more about how will we get all our things out in time, where will we put everything, and what about our cats? We have several, and anyone would be out of their mind to offer to take them all in until we get a new place.
And like all mommies do, I worry about some of the more "sentimental" things. I'm not JUST worried about whether my son will have a place to sleep and whether or not it will be warm. I'm also worried that he will be sad when he isn't surrounded by the familiar surroundings of this home. I worry that he'll be confused when he can't tell us he wants to go upstairs to his room the way he does now (he runs to the door beside the stairs, bangs on it, and says "go go go") because maybe he won't have a room anymore and maybe we won't have stairs. I worry that he will be scared when he has to fall asleep in a new room for the first few nights. I worry about everything. And maybe I also worry that I will be sad when I can no longer see him run over to the door asking to go upstairs, when I can no longer lay him down in the exact spot he's sleeping right now, and when I can no longer see him running around in the home where he learned most of his words, how to eat with a fork, how to climb stairs, how to give kisses, and how to put blocks together. I still miss the home he first came home from the hospital to and the home where he learned how to walk and eat solid foods and play. I know I'll miss this home too. I cherish everything he leaves his mark on, and he has certainly made his mark on each home he's had so far.
The fact is, there's nothing I can do. I feel completely helpless. I feel like I'm on a sinking ship in the middle of the ocean holding my babies, trying desperately to figure out how to save them when there aren't any lifeboats. I'm not one of the money-makers in the household. I'm the baby-maker. I make babies and it's my job to take care of them when hubby works. But a downside (or is it an upside?) to my situation is that I have no control. I can't really do anything to fix these problems, so it's my job to just let hubby and MIL take care of things. I can't go out and work because there would be no one to watch our son, and even if I got a job today and started working tomorrow, it would be much too late. I guess that sort of lets me off the hook, in a way, but perhaps feeling this helpless is just as big of a burden as being the one who has to fix it.
No matter how many times everyone tells me not to worry, to let them figure things out, I can't not worry. I'm a mother. It's what I do. If I didn't have any children or pets I'd just go somewhere. It's as simple as that. Perhaps I'd go to a friend's house for a few days or weeks until we had a new place situated. I know I have at least one friend who would share her couch with me for a few weeks and she'd probably be excited for some girl time. Or even if I was really, truly desperate, I could survive for a while if I slept in the car and wandered around malls and stores or visited friends and family members throughout the day. But I just can't even fathom putting my toddler to sleep outside or in the car. Our son deserves better than that, and he deserves better than what we're currently going through now. I haven't done any work to provide a stable home environment for myself or my family, so I'm totally willing to admit that maybe I don't deserve better than this. But he does. And I feel like the biggest failure because I can't give him what he deserves.
On the other hand, could anyone else give him what I give him? A lot of people could take care of him better than we can in some technical ways. There are people who could give him a beautiful, clean, stable home with his own room full of tons of educational toys. There are people who would be better at teaching him to talk than we are, people who would maybe keep him immaculately clean every second of the day. Maybe there are some who would discipline him better than we do and there could even be a few miracle-workers out there who could have already potty trained our little guy. But could anyone really replace his Mommy and Daddy? Could anyone really love him exactly the way we do?
I don't think that my little boy would fit as perfectly into any other woman's lap as he does into mine, because I'm his mommy and my lap was made for him. I don't think his little head would fit as perfectly on any other woman's shoulder as it does on mine, because I'm his mommy and my shoulder was made for him. No matter how hard times get, and no matter how much better my son deserves, I have to try to remember that no one could love him better.
My love for my child is perfect, and come hell or high water, we will keep him safe. As much as being a mommy is exhausting, scary, stressful, and just plain miserable sometimes, I also have no doubt in my mind that if I ever lost my little boy I would never ever recover. I need him just as much as he needs me so I must force myself not to think, "Maybe he'd be better off with a different, more financially stable, mommy." Money isn't everything. We will pull through this and someday we will provide a better life for him (financially) but in the meantime we'll do the best we can and shower him with the special kind of love that only Mommies and Daddies can provide for their children. He's a happy kid. He smiles and laughs more than any other kid I've met. I don't think anything going on right now has affected him negatively in any way. I only wish I could be as oblivious to our struggles as he is.
I hate talking in detail about personal and financial problems on my blog, in case someone reads it who I don't want to share these things with. But I don't really have many people to talk to and I'm starting to lose my mind. The "rock bottom" I referred to in the last post is looming closer and closer in my future every minute, although I didn't describe quite what the rock bottom would entail. I'm praying desperately that something happens, and that we miraculously manage to find several thousand dollars within the next few days. It's a long shot, but we need that much (and fast!) to stay in our home. If we don't get that money, we're not sure what we're going to do.
Of course we knew that we were behind on rent, REALLY behind, but we expected to have a few months to prepare when the time came to move on to a new home and start over. A week ago we hadn't even received an eviction notice or anything, so we thought we'd have a little bit of time to get things straightened out. But we only have a few days and we never expected that this would happen so suddenly and with hardly any notice. Hubby is working, but it's too little too late. He's making a little money, and he'll be making more when he gets his promotion, but that doesn't help us today. We don't magically have thousands of dollars right now, when we need it.
Like I said in my last post, I doubt I'll die. I doubt anything truly horrific will happen to me if we don't get that money, but there will be very huge and quick changes happening in my life and my head is spinning at just the thought of it. I'm not sure where I'll be living next week, next month, or next year. I'm not sure where my precious son will lay his little head when he sleeps, but I do promise everyone out there that no harm will come to him. We have too many friends and family members who love us and him for true homelessness to be an actual possibility for our future. I worry more about how will we get all our things out in time, where will we put everything, and what about our cats? We have several, and anyone would be out of their mind to offer to take them all in until we get a new place.
And like all mommies do, I worry about some of the more "sentimental" things. I'm not JUST worried about whether my son will have a place to sleep and whether or not it will be warm. I'm also worried that he will be sad when he isn't surrounded by the familiar surroundings of this home. I worry that he'll be confused when he can't tell us he wants to go upstairs to his room the way he does now (he runs to the door beside the stairs, bangs on it, and says "go go go") because maybe he won't have a room anymore and maybe we won't have stairs. I worry that he will be scared when he has to fall asleep in a new room for the first few nights. I worry about everything. And maybe I also worry that I will be sad when I can no longer see him run over to the door asking to go upstairs, when I can no longer lay him down in the exact spot he's sleeping right now, and when I can no longer see him running around in the home where he learned most of his words, how to eat with a fork, how to climb stairs, how to give kisses, and how to put blocks together. I still miss the home he first came home from the hospital to and the home where he learned how to walk and eat solid foods and play. I know I'll miss this home too. I cherish everything he leaves his mark on, and he has certainly made his mark on each home he's had so far.
The fact is, there's nothing I can do. I feel completely helpless. I feel like I'm on a sinking ship in the middle of the ocean holding my babies, trying desperately to figure out how to save them when there aren't any lifeboats. I'm not one of the money-makers in the household. I'm the baby-maker. I make babies and it's my job to take care of them when hubby works. But a downside (or is it an upside?) to my situation is that I have no control. I can't really do anything to fix these problems, so it's my job to just let hubby and MIL take care of things. I can't go out and work because there would be no one to watch our son, and even if I got a job today and started working tomorrow, it would be much too late. I guess that sort of lets me off the hook, in a way, but perhaps feeling this helpless is just as big of a burden as being the one who has to fix it.
No matter how many times everyone tells me not to worry, to let them figure things out, I can't not worry. I'm a mother. It's what I do. If I didn't have any children or pets I'd just go somewhere. It's as simple as that. Perhaps I'd go to a friend's house for a few days or weeks until we had a new place situated. I know I have at least one friend who would share her couch with me for a few weeks and she'd probably be excited for some girl time. Or even if I was really, truly desperate, I could survive for a while if I slept in the car and wandered around malls and stores or visited friends and family members throughout the day. But I just can't even fathom putting my toddler to sleep outside or in the car. Our son deserves better than that, and he deserves better than what we're currently going through now. I haven't done any work to provide a stable home environment for myself or my family, so I'm totally willing to admit that maybe I don't deserve better than this. But he does. And I feel like the biggest failure because I can't give him what he deserves.
On the other hand, could anyone else give him what I give him? A lot of people could take care of him better than we can in some technical ways. There are people who could give him a beautiful, clean, stable home with his own room full of tons of educational toys. There are people who would be better at teaching him to talk than we are, people who would maybe keep him immaculately clean every second of the day. Maybe there are some who would discipline him better than we do and there could even be a few miracle-workers out there who could have already potty trained our little guy. But could anyone really replace his Mommy and Daddy? Could anyone really love him exactly the way we do?
I don't think that my little boy would fit as perfectly into any other woman's lap as he does into mine, because I'm his mommy and my lap was made for him. I don't think his little head would fit as perfectly on any other woman's shoulder as it does on mine, because I'm his mommy and my shoulder was made for him. No matter how hard times get, and no matter how much better my son deserves, I have to try to remember that no one could love him better.
My love for my child is perfect, and come hell or high water, we will keep him safe. As much as being a mommy is exhausting, scary, stressful, and just plain miserable sometimes, I also have no doubt in my mind that if I ever lost my little boy I would never ever recover. I need him just as much as he needs me so I must force myself not to think, "Maybe he'd be better off with a different, more financially stable, mommy." Money isn't everything. We will pull through this and someday we will provide a better life for him (financially) but in the meantime we'll do the best we can and shower him with the special kind of love that only Mommies and Daddies can provide for their children. He's a happy kid. He smiles and laughs more than any other kid I've met. I don't think anything going on right now has affected him negatively in any way. I only wish I could be as oblivious to our struggles as he is.
I am sentimental just like you and a natural born worrier. I "get" everything you are saying. You are the perfect mom for your little boy. I am a firm believer that things happen for a reason and while we might not understand it at the time, one day we will. Praying for your family!
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