This is going to be a very long post. I just received some bad news. Since I often need to "talk" (or type) to figure out how I'm feeling about things, this is me organizing my thoughts. If you read this whole post you are a true friend and I'm truly thankful to anyone who is actually interested enough in my life to do so. If you wish to skip any of the blog, I don't blame you, and all the information about my bad news is summed up in the first 2 paragraphs.
Well, I guess I spoke too soon about Eric's Friday's job. You'd think a job is a sure thing after being hired and given your schedule, right? Well, not really. They gave him an offer too good to turn down, so he had to leave the other job he had, and then something came up last minute that made them change their minds. They didn't realize until yesterday that one of the Friday's he worked at before put him down as "unhirable" even though he left that job amicably after 4 years of loyal service, and he only left because he had to move out of state. His managers there loved him and never would have put that on his file purposely. The GM he worked with loved him so much that he gave him a manager's uniform before he left, telling him, "Someday you'll be a manager at Friday's and you'll need this." There wasn't a reason beside the "unhirable" note, which the GM at this store thinks is very "odd", possibly even a mistake, but since none of the managers he worked with at the old store are still working there, there is no one to vouch for him to save his job. In addition to all that, he worked at a Friday's in Tennessee and they never saw that note on his file, so why did it just suddenly appear THIS TIME?
The thing that angers me the most is that Friday's guaranteed my husband they had an offer that would beat his job at Applebee's. They gave him the offer, it was amazing, and obviously he accepted- anybody would have. In order to accept the offer he had to sign papers agreeing that he could not be employed by a bunch of other restaurants (Fridays' competitors) and Applebee's was one of them, so he quit his job at Applebee's the next day. Now he has neither job. I bet Applebee's would laugh at him if he asked for his job back.
I don't even know why I bother getting excited about anything anymore, and I hate saying that, because saying that makes me just the kind of pessimist I don't want to be. Honestly, I don't think I ever fully accepted the fact that he was going to be given this great job, because (although he's received several great job offers in the past) it goes against the grain of our life for one of those jobs to actually go through. We really can't live like this forever, and I truly don't understand how so many things can go wrong. Things go wrong for everyone, but doesn't something usually go right eventually? Things have been going this way ever since I met my husband 3 years ago, and before I met him, I never would have imagined anyone could have such bad luck. I didn't even believe in bad luck. I always believed that people get what they deserve, and if they don't, they will soon. So now I'm left wondering, do we deserve this? I don't know, I really don't... We're not perfect, we've made mistakes in life and we continue to make mistakes in life. Maybe we've made some mistakes in life that were bad enough to bring about negative karma, although I don't really think we have made more mistakes than any other normal human. We've never killed, abused, or hurt anyone in our lives, and we would never want to. One thing I know for sure is this:
Our son deserves better than this. Our Bean deserves better than this. My husband doesn't want to be unemployed, I don't want to feel like a worthless "stay at home mom" without actually having a home or a working husband, and neither of us want to depend on anybody else to help us survive and provide a roof over our heads and feed our children. It's so embarrassing.
I have really lost myself the past few years, and I don't blame my husband or my son because they are both truly exceptional people and my life is so much richer because I have them, but I don't really know who I am anymore. When I found and fell in love with my husband, I lost me. I don't drive anymore, we only have 1 car and it's practically falling apart. I'm afraid if I drive it I will break down or get a flat tire or something so I haven't driven anywhere in over a year, and haven't driven anywhere alone in probably over 2 years. I haven't gone anywhere by myself (without my husband) in a year or two, and I used to. I used to be able to drive myself to a park, a restaurant or to the mall and have some "me" time, walk around for a few hours and maybe even buy myself something. Nothing extravagant, usually just a shirt, some perfume, or a snack. Now, even if I had a brand new car, a big wad of cash in my wallet, and a fancy home of my own to come home to at the end of the day, I wouldn't even know how to go out and do something on my own anymore. I want to stress this again: This is not my husband's fault. Just because it started when I met him it does not mean he is in any way responsible for this. I'm responsible for this because it's my responsibility to myself to adapt to life changes (good and bad) while still keeping a sense of myself, and I didn't do that. I evolved as a result of changes in my life (meeting hubby) but I forgot to keep a grasp on "me" through the process. When I met my husband he treated me so well and took care of me so well (he still does), and I let him do that. I was relieved someone wanted to take care of me, I felt so safe and loved. I let him take care of me more and more every day until eventually I was no longer taking care of myself at all, or even thinking about myself really. We have a wonderful marriage with an amazing friendship at it's foundation but I need to somehow restore my relationship with myself in order to truly be happy. I was hoping with Eric's new job (and some money, and the freedom to go places and do things) I could learn how to live again. Money doesn't buy happiness, but it's pretty hard to thrive and be happy while being entirely broke (as in, having $0.00). I just want a stable life, not an extravagant one.
Some people fantasize about having a love affair with a celebrity, some people fantasize about winning the lottery and living in a mansion with maids and butlers, some people fantasize about being famous or "sexy". But I fantasize about having a stable home, no unpaid bills, and I dream of going Christmas shopping. Yes, I truly fantasize about Christmas shopping. When I try to picture the life I want for my future, I often imagine Christmas time. I imagine myself driving to the mall (alone!) and buying some things for my wonderful husband and children for Christmas, and maybe even some Christmas decorations for my home. I imagine packing the trunk of my car with dozens of presents for my family, admiring Christmas lights on the drive home from the mall, walking into our home (which will hopefully be clean and smell like cookies, candles, and Christmas-time, but I guess maybe that's asking for a little too much), making myself a cup of hot chocolate, and then wrapping all of those presents on my bedroom floor and putting them under the Christmas tree. Maybe it's sort of crazy to fantasize about THAT, but I do, and I can't do any of that if we don't have any money. Someday I'll be able to go Christmas shopping, and I hope when I finally have the luxury to do it I will remember not to take a single second of it for granted.
We're lucky we have a place to live, and if we didn't have people in our life who love and support us despite our string of bad "luck" or bad "choices" or whatever it is that lead to our current situation, we'd be homeless. It's really scary to imagine that, and I want to acknowledge that I don't have the worst life in the world. Plenty of people have it worse than we do. There are millions of people in the world who are living outside right now, just trying to stay warm/cool and keep food in their stomachs. I feel bad complaining about my life when it could be so much worse, but I would be lying if I said the bad news we got today wasn't devastating. For anyone who read this far, thanks for your time. I'm feeling a lot better now that I've put all of that into words. Now that I'm feeling less angry I'm going to pray that something good happens, that Fridays' changes their mind, or that Eric finds another job soon, because I would really love to go Christmas shopping this year.
I'm kind of hoping that the Fridays job somehow works out because
1. It would have paid really well.
2. Eric would have loved that job, he loves that company.
3. I am desperately craving Tgi Fridays Mashed potatoes, and Eric had promised me he'd bring me some home on his first day, which was supposed to be 2 days ago. =(
Well, I guess I spoke too soon about Eric's Friday's job. You'd think a job is a sure thing after being hired and given your schedule, right? Well, not really. They gave him an offer too good to turn down, so he had to leave the other job he had, and then something came up last minute that made them change their minds. They didn't realize until yesterday that one of the Friday's he worked at before put him down as "unhirable" even though he left that job amicably after 4 years of loyal service, and he only left because he had to move out of state. His managers there loved him and never would have put that on his file purposely. The GM he worked with loved him so much that he gave him a manager's uniform before he left, telling him, "Someday you'll be a manager at Friday's and you'll need this." There wasn't a reason beside the "unhirable" note, which the GM at this store thinks is very "odd", possibly even a mistake, but since none of the managers he worked with at the old store are still working there, there is no one to vouch for him to save his job. In addition to all that, he worked at a Friday's in Tennessee and they never saw that note on his file, so why did it just suddenly appear THIS TIME?
The thing that angers me the most is that Friday's guaranteed my husband they had an offer that would beat his job at Applebee's. They gave him the offer, it was amazing, and obviously he accepted- anybody would have. In order to accept the offer he had to sign papers agreeing that he could not be employed by a bunch of other restaurants (Fridays' competitors) and Applebee's was one of them, so he quit his job at Applebee's the next day. Now he has neither job. I bet Applebee's would laugh at him if he asked for his job back.
I don't even know why I bother getting excited about anything anymore, and I hate saying that, because saying that makes me just the kind of pessimist I don't want to be. Honestly, I don't think I ever fully accepted the fact that he was going to be given this great job, because (although he's received several great job offers in the past) it goes against the grain of our life for one of those jobs to actually go through. We really can't live like this forever, and I truly don't understand how so many things can go wrong. Things go wrong for everyone, but doesn't something usually go right eventually? Things have been going this way ever since I met my husband 3 years ago, and before I met him, I never would have imagined anyone could have such bad luck. I didn't even believe in bad luck. I always believed that people get what they deserve, and if they don't, they will soon. So now I'm left wondering, do we deserve this? I don't know, I really don't... We're not perfect, we've made mistakes in life and we continue to make mistakes in life. Maybe we've made some mistakes in life that were bad enough to bring about negative karma, although I don't really think we have made more mistakes than any other normal human. We've never killed, abused, or hurt anyone in our lives, and we would never want to. One thing I know for sure is this:
Our son deserves better than this. Our Bean deserves better than this. My husband doesn't want to be unemployed, I don't want to feel like a worthless "stay at home mom" without actually having a home or a working husband, and neither of us want to depend on anybody else to help us survive and provide a roof over our heads and feed our children. It's so embarrassing.
I have really lost myself the past few years, and I don't blame my husband or my son because they are both truly exceptional people and my life is so much richer because I have them, but I don't really know who I am anymore. When I found and fell in love with my husband, I lost me. I don't drive anymore, we only have 1 car and it's practically falling apart. I'm afraid if I drive it I will break down or get a flat tire or something so I haven't driven anywhere in over a year, and haven't driven anywhere alone in probably over 2 years. I haven't gone anywhere by myself (without my husband) in a year or two, and I used to. I used to be able to drive myself to a park, a restaurant or to the mall and have some "me" time, walk around for a few hours and maybe even buy myself something. Nothing extravagant, usually just a shirt, some perfume, or a snack. Now, even if I had a brand new car, a big wad of cash in my wallet, and a fancy home of my own to come home to at the end of the day, I wouldn't even know how to go out and do something on my own anymore. I want to stress this again: This is not my husband's fault. Just because it started when I met him it does not mean he is in any way responsible for this. I'm responsible for this because it's my responsibility to myself to adapt to life changes (good and bad) while still keeping a sense of myself, and I didn't do that. I evolved as a result of changes in my life (meeting hubby) but I forgot to keep a grasp on "me" through the process. When I met my husband he treated me so well and took care of me so well (he still does), and I let him do that. I was relieved someone wanted to take care of me, I felt so safe and loved. I let him take care of me more and more every day until eventually I was no longer taking care of myself at all, or even thinking about myself really. We have a wonderful marriage with an amazing friendship at it's foundation but I need to somehow restore my relationship with myself in order to truly be happy. I was hoping with Eric's new job (and some money, and the freedom to go places and do things) I could learn how to live again. Money doesn't buy happiness, but it's pretty hard to thrive and be happy while being entirely broke (as in, having $0.00). I just want a stable life, not an extravagant one.
Some people fantasize about having a love affair with a celebrity, some people fantasize about winning the lottery and living in a mansion with maids and butlers, some people fantasize about being famous or "sexy". But I fantasize about having a stable home, no unpaid bills, and I dream of going Christmas shopping. Yes, I truly fantasize about Christmas shopping. When I try to picture the life I want for my future, I often imagine Christmas time. I imagine myself driving to the mall (alone!) and buying some things for my wonderful husband and children for Christmas, and maybe even some Christmas decorations for my home. I imagine packing the trunk of my car with dozens of presents for my family, admiring Christmas lights on the drive home from the mall, walking into our home (which will hopefully be clean and smell like cookies, candles, and Christmas-time, but I guess maybe that's asking for a little too much), making myself a cup of hot chocolate, and then wrapping all of those presents on my bedroom floor and putting them under the Christmas tree. Maybe it's sort of crazy to fantasize about THAT, but I do, and I can't do any of that if we don't have any money. Someday I'll be able to go Christmas shopping, and I hope when I finally have the luxury to do it I will remember not to take a single second of it for granted.
We're lucky we have a place to live, and if we didn't have people in our life who love and support us despite our string of bad "luck" or bad "choices" or whatever it is that lead to our current situation, we'd be homeless. It's really scary to imagine that, and I want to acknowledge that I don't have the worst life in the world. Plenty of people have it worse than we do. There are millions of people in the world who are living outside right now, just trying to stay warm/cool and keep food in their stomachs. I feel bad complaining about my life when it could be so much worse, but I would be lying if I said the bad news we got today wasn't devastating. For anyone who read this far, thanks for your time. I'm feeling a lot better now that I've put all of that into words. Now that I'm feeling less angry I'm going to pray that something good happens, that Fridays' changes their mind, or that Eric finds another job soon, because I would really love to go Christmas shopping this year.
I'm kind of hoping that the Fridays job somehow works out because
1. It would have paid really well.
2. Eric would have loved that job, he loves that company.
3. I am desperately craving Tgi Fridays Mashed potatoes, and Eric had promised me he'd bring me some home on his first day, which was supposed to be 2 days ago. =(
I am so so sorry. This is just heart breaking! Oh I so hope that it can somehow get worked out. That is just not right. I will keep you all in my prayers
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