So that's what's wrong with me...

Social anxiety disorder (SAD) is an intense, irrational, and persistent fear of being scrutinized or negatively evaluated by other people.  -- WebMD

As I grow older I am finding myself more and more anxious about things that are less and less threatening.  I don't talk on the phone with anyone, ever, except my husband and occasionally my best friend.  I'm afraid if I talk to anyone, they will yell at me or get angry with me about something.  My heart races when my phone rings...  I'm afraid to even listen to my voicemail anymore.  I make Eric listen to it for me.  He's always been very supportive of my quirks... He's always done these things for me without asking "why" or complaining.  He is my rock.

I don't call my parents.  I know it really irritates them.  They don't understand.  I'm different than I was when I was younger, when they used to see me more and know me better.  I'm afraid of so much more now.  The longer I go without talking to them, and the more upset I think they are, the more terrified I am to call them.  I'm only comfortable with things I'm familiar with.  Anyone I don't see or speak to on a daily basis is out of my comfort zone now.

I didn't realize how out of control it was getting until a guy from our electric company stopped by a few weeks ago to ask some questions about our bill (most likely to see if he could lower our bills).  Eric wasn't here, and I almost didn't even answer the door.  But the shade was up on the front door and I knew he could see me.  How silly it would be of me to not answer the door when the guy could clearly see me...  But as soon I answered the door I was shaking and terrified.  What if he was a murderer, or what if he didn't like me?  What if I said something dumb?  (I know.. who cares if the electric guy doesn't like me?)

The guy started asking questions.  To be honest, I was so overwhelmed by the fact that he was at my door talking to me that I was pretty much on auto-pilot and responding to the questions before I could even process them in my head.  I instinctively answered all of his questions with "I don't know."  Even though I knew everything about our bill because I had just finished working on our monthly budget a few days prior.  I pretended like I had no idea about the bill simply to avoid him asking me more complex questions and hoping he would leave as soon as possible.  The poor guy seemed like a really nice guy but I'm pretty sure that my demeanor must have scared him away.  He seemed sort of flustered at the end of our conversation, maybe wondering what he'd said wrong to make me act that way.

But that's not the only incident like that.  Every time someone even walks close enough to our door that I think they might knock I get scared.  My heart will literally start pounding.  Once a group of guys was standing outside my door (we live on a street with row-homes and so people are frequently standing or walking on various parts of the sidewalk).  I was so nervous they were going to shoot me or something that I took both of the kids upstairs until they went away.  What really takes the cake is that every time the mailman comes up to our door and puts mail in our slot, he stands there for a minute or two sorting mail, and I'm anxious until he goes away.  The mailman.

Just today, when I finally decided something is seriously wrong with me, I did some research.  I can't go to the doctor because I don't have health insurance, but I think it's pretty obvious that I have social anxiety disorder, and maybe even depression and other anxiety disorders to boot because I have some extra symptoms that don't seem to fit into social anxiety disorder..

Looking back on my life I can point out other times, years and years ago, when I was obviously much more nervous than what is normal.  For example, when I was in kindergarten the teacher handed out a paper that we were all supposed to take home to our parents.  We stored them in a little slot in the back of our chairs.  I forgot every day to take that paper home to my mom, and the teacher was getting more frustrated with me every day.  Finally, one day I went home to my mom without the paper yet again, and I remember crying and crying and crying.  I was so terrified that my teacher would be so angry with me the next day.  I think I tried to convince my mom to let me stay home from school.  If I remember correctly (which I may not, I was like 5 years old) I made a big ordeal out of it for hours. The next day, I don't think the teacher even noticed that I forgot the paper again.  And my whole life has been that way.  I'm always terrified that someone will be mad at me.  Even now I try to make sure the dishes are done and the house is clean before Eric's mom gets up for work because I'm afraid she'll be upset with me if I don't do that.  It's exhausting, trying to hard to please everyone and being so worried about the consequences if I don't.  And if I know that someone is mad at me, it's a huge deal.  I hide from them, I seclude myself from them in any way possible.  Even if it's someone I live with, I literally will hide until they get over it.  Except Eric.  Eric is an exception to everything.  I'm as comfortable with him as I am with myself.

I've always had this problem to some extent, but it wasn't as out of control when I was in school and when I worked because I always had to face my fears.  Being in constant contact with strangers made each time seem less significant.  The constant exposure to my fears lessened the severity of the disorder.

But now I'm a housewife.  I'm always stuck at home and now home is the only comfort zone I have. Eric, his mom, my best friend, and my kids are the only people I see frequently.  Literally everyone else is out of my comfort zone.  Going into public isn't generally scary for me, because Eric's always with me and he's always driving and taking control of everything I can't handle.  But if I had to go somewhere alone, I don't know if I could do it anymore without being afraid.  I couldn't just walk out of the house, hop into the car, and go to the store to pick up something like everyone else does.  I'm sure someday I will, but I need to work up to it.  I need to take steps to expand my comfort zone so that I can be mostly normal again.

My life isn't horrible.  I have a great time hanging out with the friends I have, and I still love doing things and going places with my husband.  The disorder doesn't make the good things in my life bad, by any means, but the "average" day for me is filled with a lot more stress and anxiety than necessary.  It manifests itself at times when I wouldn't expect it.  Now that I'm aware of the condition and understand better why I feel and act ridiculous sometimes, it doesn't seem quite so bad.  Now I know that my fear of talking to people on the phone or meeting new people isn't just me being an anti-social person with no regard to other people and their feelings.  I have a darn good explanation for the way I act.  Until I have health insurance and can get medical help for this, I'm going to be this way.  Everyone who matters will accept it.