Do our financial difficulties mean that we are bad people? That we don't deserve respect? That we don't deserve to be treated like "equals" by those who are more fortunate? I admit, if we had made different decisions in our lives (like if I had gone to college to be a doctor or something), things would probably be different. I got the impression when I was growing up that people are more valuable if they have gone to college and if they make a lot of money. I don't truly judge others that way. But it's something I was "taught" to believe. So when I made the decision not to go to college, it wasn't done lightly. I was embarrassed to make that decision. But I chose not to go to college because when I was 18 years old I could not think of a single thing in the entire world that I wanted to do (career-wise) other than be a mother. I wasn't about to waste time or money going to college when I wasn't sure about my path in life yet. College is too time consuming and costly to be done on a whim. I'm actually surprised that so many 18 year olds know exactly what they want to do when they are so young. Even today, at the age of 23, I still can't really imagine myself happily functioning in any career other than raising my children. I hope to someday figure out that I have a "calling" in life that makes more money than parenting, but for now, that's all I do. I was probably born into the wrong era because very few women today only aspire to be a wife and mother.
Maybe things would be different now if I had gone to college to start a lucrative career, and maybe we wouldn't have financial problems. Same goes for my husband. But in all honesty, Eric and I have both tried the best we can to make good decisions so far in our lives. We aren't out doing drugs, smoking, drinking, partying, breaking the law, or doing anything at all that's controversial, destructive, dangerous, or disturbing to anyone. I feel that we should be treated like people rather than dirt, despite the fact that we could easily be referred to as "white trash" by the people who are low enough to judge people that way. So here is the real point of the blog:
My mother and her "fiance" live in Tennessee alone and we live home in Pennsylvania where we were born and where everyone else in our family lives. My mom doesn't get on Facebook anymore, doesn't check her e-mail anymore (either that, or she just chooses not to respond), doesn't answer phone calls to her cell phone, and she rarely even responds to a text. The only reliable way to get in contact with her is by calling her fiance and asking for her. The thing is, I don't want to call him. I don't want to text him, I don't want to mention his name, I don't even want to think of him. So I've only spoken with her a handful of times in the past few months. I'm disgusted by the way her fiance has been treating my husband and myself these past several months and I just don't have the willpower to pick up the phone and call this man who has over the years made me feel like I barely even deserve the air I breathe. I don't feel that it would be appropriate to go into details about the way he has treated us, but he has degraded us to the point that I don't believe he'd truly care if we were to die. I don't even think he'd go to our funeral. He truly feels that we are the scum of the earth because of our financial problems, and he makes sure to let Eric know that almost daily by texting him the most degrading things imaginable. We owe him some money and we intend to pay it back as soon as Eric has a steady income again, but this verbal abuse could hardly be justified by us owing him money. (By the way, he has degraded me many times in my life even before I was old enough to have financial problems.)
I desperately wish I could have communication with my mother that doesn't involve him. I also wish she'd move back home, with or without him. She must be so lonely down there with him, away from all her family, and not even talking to anyone. She hasn't even seen the ultrasound pictures of baby #2 because she didn't check my e-mail that I sent her. They came to town for just a few days a few weeks ago and I spoke to her in person. I told her I sent her the ultrasound picture and she told me she doesn't check her e-mail. She didn't say she'd check for the e-mail when she got home, she just simply stated that she doesn't check her e-mail. I was hoping she'd check her e-mail after I told her about the ultrasound picture, but I guess she didn't. I don't understand why she won't e-mail me or message me on Facebook at the very least. When we lived in Tennessee she spent hours every day on her laptop, and they also have 2 desktops in their home so I know she has access to do so. I wonder often if she's mad at us, if her fiance has brainwashed her into feeling that we are bad. Maybe he told her she's not allowed to contact me. I guess this is another one of those times that I want to stomp my feet and scream, "It's just not fair." I want my mom back. I want her to see ultrasound pictures of our second child. I want her to WANT to see the ultrasound pictures. I want her to ask me how my pregnancy is going. I want her to be concerned about me when complications arise in my pregnancy. I want her to bug me about what names we're thinking of for our child. I want her to tell me she hates every name on our list, because then at least I'd know that she is interested and wants to be involved in my life and the life of her grandchild. I want her to send me an e-mail yelling at me for not calling her in such a long time. I want her to call my husband's cell phone and ask to talk to me sometimes. I really just want her to show that she cares. That it's unacceptable for me to be absent from her life.
I know I'm not the best daughter in the world, I should definitely be calling/texting her frequently even if it involves going through her fiance to do it. But my biggest and most stubborn fault is that I avoid anything that makes me unhappy like it is the plague. I'm not even exaggerating. Just ask my husband. Her fiance makes me very unhappy, which automatically throws up my defenses. My second biggest and most stubborn fault is that I do not DO one-sided relationships. If someone I love has decided that they don't want to make any effort to maintain their relationship with me, I stop trying too. I know I should NEVER "stop trying" when it comes to my mother, or anyone else I love for that matter. But like I said, those 2 things I mentioned are huge and very stubborn faults that I haven't found a way to overcome yet. It's very hard for me to act in a way that contradicts either of those faults. This all makes maintaining a relationship with my mother very very hard for me. I hope someday things get better, but until then, I hope she knows I love her and I hope that if she ever comes to the conclusion that she is unhappy with her fiance that she will someday find the strength to leave him and come home to her family where she belongs. My children have a grandmother here, Eric's mom, and she's awesome. But they deserve to know their other grandmother while they are growing up as well. My mother has a great heart and would have such a positive effect on the lives of our children if she were here.
Maybe things would be different now if I had gone to college to start a lucrative career, and maybe we wouldn't have financial problems. Same goes for my husband. But in all honesty, Eric and I have both tried the best we can to make good decisions so far in our lives. We aren't out doing drugs, smoking, drinking, partying, breaking the law, or doing anything at all that's controversial, destructive, dangerous, or disturbing to anyone. I feel that we should be treated like people rather than dirt, despite the fact that we could easily be referred to as "white trash" by the people who are low enough to judge people that way. So here is the real point of the blog:
My mother and her "fiance" live in Tennessee alone and we live home in Pennsylvania where we were born and where everyone else in our family lives. My mom doesn't get on Facebook anymore, doesn't check her e-mail anymore (either that, or she just chooses not to respond), doesn't answer phone calls to her cell phone, and she rarely even responds to a text. The only reliable way to get in contact with her is by calling her fiance and asking for her. The thing is, I don't want to call him. I don't want to text him, I don't want to mention his name, I don't even want to think of him. So I've only spoken with her a handful of times in the past few months. I'm disgusted by the way her fiance has been treating my husband and myself these past several months and I just don't have the willpower to pick up the phone and call this man who has over the years made me feel like I barely even deserve the air I breathe. I don't feel that it would be appropriate to go into details about the way he has treated us, but he has degraded us to the point that I don't believe he'd truly care if we were to die. I don't even think he'd go to our funeral. He truly feels that we are the scum of the earth because of our financial problems, and he makes sure to let Eric know that almost daily by texting him the most degrading things imaginable. We owe him some money and we intend to pay it back as soon as Eric has a steady income again, but this verbal abuse could hardly be justified by us owing him money. (By the way, he has degraded me many times in my life even before I was old enough to have financial problems.)
I desperately wish I could have communication with my mother that doesn't involve him. I also wish she'd move back home, with or without him. She must be so lonely down there with him, away from all her family, and not even talking to anyone. She hasn't even seen the ultrasound pictures of baby #2 because she didn't check my e-mail that I sent her. They came to town for just a few days a few weeks ago and I spoke to her in person. I told her I sent her the ultrasound picture and she told me she doesn't check her e-mail. She didn't say she'd check for the e-mail when she got home, she just simply stated that she doesn't check her e-mail. I was hoping she'd check her e-mail after I told her about the ultrasound picture, but I guess she didn't. I don't understand why she won't e-mail me or message me on Facebook at the very least. When we lived in Tennessee she spent hours every day on her laptop, and they also have 2 desktops in their home so I know she has access to do so. I wonder often if she's mad at us, if her fiance has brainwashed her into feeling that we are bad. Maybe he told her she's not allowed to contact me. I guess this is another one of those times that I want to stomp my feet and scream, "It's just not fair." I want my mom back. I want her to see ultrasound pictures of our second child. I want her to WANT to see the ultrasound pictures. I want her to ask me how my pregnancy is going. I want her to be concerned about me when complications arise in my pregnancy. I want her to bug me about what names we're thinking of for our child. I want her to tell me she hates every name on our list, because then at least I'd know that she is interested and wants to be involved in my life and the life of her grandchild. I want her to send me an e-mail yelling at me for not calling her in such a long time. I want her to call my husband's cell phone and ask to talk to me sometimes. I really just want her to show that she cares. That it's unacceptable for me to be absent from her life.
I know I'm not the best daughter in the world, I should definitely be calling/texting her frequently even if it involves going through her fiance to do it. But my biggest and most stubborn fault is that I avoid anything that makes me unhappy like it is the plague. I'm not even exaggerating. Just ask my husband. Her fiance makes me very unhappy, which automatically throws up my defenses. My second biggest and most stubborn fault is that I do not DO one-sided relationships. If someone I love has decided that they don't want to make any effort to maintain their relationship with me, I stop trying too. I know I should NEVER "stop trying" when it comes to my mother, or anyone else I love for that matter. But like I said, those 2 things I mentioned are huge and very stubborn faults that I haven't found a way to overcome yet. It's very hard for me to act in a way that contradicts either of those faults. This all makes maintaining a relationship with my mother very very hard for me. I hope someday things get better, but until then, I hope she knows I love her and I hope that if she ever comes to the conclusion that she is unhappy with her fiance that she will someday find the strength to leave him and come home to her family where she belongs. My children have a grandmother here, Eric's mom, and she's awesome. But they deserve to know their other grandmother while they are growing up as well. My mother has a great heart and would have such a positive effect on the lives of our children if she were here.
I am so sorry. It sounds like her fiancee is a total manipulative jerk! I always knew ultimately I was going to be a SAHM- definitely very 1950's or very Mormon :)
ReplyDeleteI read this last night and my heart hurts for you. I can't empathize because I've never been in this position. My mom has always been extremely involved in my life so I feel sorry for people who don't have the same. I am not good with one-way relationships either but keep trying. Maybe she will realize what she is missing out on.
ReplyDeleteI went to college and even got my masters degree but it hasn't served me well. I was a lowly social worker and got paid like one too. Now I'm doing what I love and getting paid in nothing but love and I wouldn't trade it. I have college loans coming out my ears now so don't beat yourself up if people look down on you. They aren't worth it!